I was in the car with a neighbor and friend and her daughter was in the back seat when I unconsciously made a comment about there being no Santa. I was given the eyebrow raise by her mother who glanced in the back seat. Whoops. Her daughter is about nine and I had forgotten she was there for a moment. Apparently she wasn’t paying attention so she didn’t hear me.
I thought back to the time I was around that age and the day I knew there was no Santa. I was like most kids who believed with all my heart that Santa was real. Santa was like a God to me. A man with magical powers who knew if I had been naughty or nice, could fly through the sky all over the world and in one fell swoop cover the planet in one night. Throughout my childhood my parents struggled to provide Christmas for five children. I don’t know how they pulled it off but they did
consistently until the year that Santa took a nose dive.
The tree was up with all the pretty lights that night. It was scraggly but to me it was beautiful. My father had never had a Christmas to speak of in his childhood because both my grandparents were serious alcoholics who neglected their two boys. He was like a big kid at Christmas as he lived this particular season through his children.
This time of year was always a better time for all of us because it would put my usually angry abusive father in a good mood.
That Christmas morning there were no presents under the tree. Shock went through all of us when we got up and went into the living room. Some of the younger ones started to cry. My parents got up and explained that because we tried to stay awake to see Santa, he had left the presents in the trunk of the car. I was stunned. Why would Santa do that? Other children all over the world tried to stay awake and they still got presents under the tree.
They dressed and told me to help them bring in all the presents. Nothing was wrapped and it appeared to be thrown in the trunk. I could hear my parents arguing. My hearing was acute so although they were whispering, I could still hear them. The general tone was about dad drinking too much and how that had decimated their funds. Dad had gone to a giveaway charity to get some gifts for us.
He had to take what he could get and what he got was very pitiful. Then I heard dad say the words that changed my childhood. He said, “I wish there was a Santa so we wouldn’t have to go through this every year.” In that moment something in me crumbled. They realized that I had heard everything and I was warned not to tell my siblings. They never stopped to think about the impact this news had on me.
I was quiet and withdrawn that day. Christmas changed in a big way as its meaning was then lost to me for a long time. I was a spiritual child and thought a lot about God but the concept was scary because I was being taught about this being who knew if you had been naughty or nice and knew every thought and every heart just like Santa. God could give or takeaway anything at any time. Unalike Santa…however, God was the BIG Kahuna of everything and was just as mysterious as Santa. If Santa wasn’t real then maybe God wasn’t real either.
I fell into a depression at eight years old. My world didn’t make any sense at all.
Mom thought I was sick and coming down with something so she sent me to bed.
More than discovering that Santa wasn’t real were my shaky thoughts about God and how real God might be. I had been receiving conflicting teachings since birth about God and now my young mind was blown away.
I didn’t talk to anyone about it. This was a pivotal point in my life. I was having a dark night of the soul. I had already been labeled different and strange by some adults who had been present when I brought up subjects about the universe and God. These subjects were just not the normal things a child of my age would talk about in the fashion that I did. I made a lot of people uneasy when I would ask direct questions like, “Has God ever spoken to you?” or “Do you think that God is listening to us right now?”
A few nights later I became angry, so angry in fact that I didn’t know what to do with it. It is said that depression is nothing more than anger turned inward. I do believe this to be true. I went out into the back yard after dark while everyone was watching television and sat down in the dark. I started to cry and told God that I was angry at him because I didn’t know if he existed anymore. I felt so lost. I wanted to know why I was ever born. I cried and wailed and shook my little fists and railed against a God that I was unsure existed, could hear me or even cared.
What happened next was the first time I felt the presence of the creator. I suddenly felt that I was not alone. A sense of profound peace descended over me and I suddenly felt very calm. My tears stopped and the anger and confusion left me. It was like someone had pushed a button. I could hear the soft wind in the tree branches and I felt like I had left my body. The closest thing I can give as an example of what I felt is similar to how you feel just as you are under twilight anesthesia for some minor surgery. Time stood still and I felt wrapped in love. I just felt at peace. It felt like a long time but when I finally went inside…only about twenty minutes had passed.
I stopped wondering that day if God was real. I knew I had been touched in some healing way by the presence of God. I never told anyone in my family. I knew they would not understand and would only tease me. It was my great wonderful secret.
Since that day I have had so many life experiences that have been beyond the pale but one I hang onto was that night in the backyard when God soothed and loved a lost, frightened and very depressed child.
In losing Santa…I found God. There are blessings in every experience we have. We just have to be open to see it and understand it.
This is just something to think about!
Tags: Christmas, Depression, evolving, God, Santa, spiritual, toxic relationships